“Arjuna, you need to act without any attachment to the fruit of your efforts.”
Bhagavad Gītā
I am suffering from this unbearable indecisiveness of mine. Another big decision to make is waiting for me - to proceed with my study or not to?
It's not up to me, actually, others are going to decide it soon, but if they come up with the conclusion that I can continue, will I? Should I?
I have been thinking about it, dreaming about it, counting the pros and cons, observing my feelings about it...ugh.
I have spent more than 5 years doing the research more or less intensively. Less intensively in the last three years, I have to admit. I could describe in details, how does it look like and what does it mean to do a doctoral degree in Czech. No excuses I want to make, NOT anymore, it's just the way it's.
The only thing I am sure about right now is the realization of how much I do love geography. I love how it follows me as my shadow everywhere I go, naturally, of course, it is a spatial discipline, right:-)?!! I look through the eyes of a geographer on every single place I visit, I live, I feel, perceive.. I love reading the amazing work of other geographers and find it astoundingly inspiring! But I am not the one, who would or should be writing those articles, I think. I have to overcome my ego finally and admit to myself that my place is on the other side.
... realizing that, I feel sad, like I have wasted all that time, energy and money!!! and my ego is SO much strugling for its nutriment!
But despite the fact, it took me more than five years to become aware of it, I can say now how much grateful I am for all that time, energy and money I gave away while doing my research.
I visited places, which have brought along the most beautiful memories, nobody can ever steal that from me. I met so many wonderful people while traveling and doing my field surveys, some of whom I became very close to. It even opened me to traveling in general, to not be afraid of unknow, to learn more about myself and last but not least - it gave me a very specific perspective of looking at the world around me, which I really like.
All of these things would never happened if I did not enroll to my study programe. Of course, it also cost me a lot of money, a lot of effort which was partialy wasted, but that is all just about the point of view, priorities, right?
...what is more important - money or friends and wonderful experience I've got?
Althought I've decided to fight until the very last moment, I know very well, that if there's no miracle coming my way soon, I won't make it. I won't earn the doctorate from Human Geography in the future, I reckon.
But I am ok with that now, because I know I am a human geographer anyway.
