OLAFUR ARNALDS - Við vorum smá...

I remember it well. I asked you not to go. but all I heard was the screaming silence of the wind, and just like the wind will always blow through the leaves, I will always remember this as our last — lost — chance....

Please, have one on me, Joanna!

I love her squeky voice and her storytelling...For me, this is nr. 1 for 2011. You can discover new things with every single listen.... Love it!
http://youtu.be/iZ-aj3UDaG0

Julian Barnes The Sense of Ending

I haven't been touched by book so deeply in a really long time...A while ago, it was von Trier's Melancholia what left me so unhinged....Now, this one is my favourite and will stay for a while, I guess...
What you end up remembering isn’t always the same as what you have witnessed....

I D O N ' T L O V E Y O U B U T I A L W A Y S W I L L

Again.

Something ends and gives me new ideas, fresh thoughts and.... a lot of misery, naturally....

A couple of months ago, I came to this place with my head full of unresolved crap from previous year which I hoped this cool city could have solved for me...

I wanted it to be a peaceful time... just me, my research - I always wanted to do, lots of yoga, couple of friends, maybe some newcomers, good food...just me and the coolest city in the world...

Well, I have no clue what happened, but this place somehow managed it. It changed my plan, my mood, my mind, I would dare to say, my life, but no, not really...

I spent most of my time here sitting in the amazing architectural gem of Grimm Zentrum ( its not the top-notch regarding the functionality, though), the ontologicaly secure  place for all those students living in this awesome city of Awesomeness....

After a short while, I realized, I did not want to sit on my ass whole days, trying to convince myself I am working...because, some days, naturally, I wasnt...

In fact, my fingers got sticked to my touchpad and keyboard and my time seemed to be defining itself by the regularity of checking my facebook profile, email box and some piece of newspaper, in this chronological order... and then I went for a coffee or cigarette or both...and then it started again.

Me, person once myself defining as nature lover, I found myself sitting on my butt for more or less whole days doing nothing but gazing at the display, waiting for it to destroy my sight completely...

So with a toughtful help of some of my friends, I went out and I experienced Something...

Also, I visited this beautiful cost of Ostsee...where I enthusiastically rediscovered the country side lover inside me and realized that the beauty around had nothing to do with us...I corroborated why I love nature so much. People would never be able to create such a perfect and pure beauty....only nature itself can.

But anyway, even this trip couldnt bring me a highly expected fulfilment so I went on with the good old feeling "I need to DO something else here..."

And then it's started.... One fucked up thing and...

.....do

.......mi

..........no

..............effect

So, with an elegant giant leap, I dodge this period of "lucy nr. 1 fighting lucy nr. 2 and both of them fighting the third one, who was, btw, always one step ahead of them " and move on to the impatiently anticipated outcomes....

This city couldn't help me with anything, indeed....The place played a big role itself, though.

At the end, I concluded I have no idea what I really want to do in my life. For sure, I cannot carry on this half-solution anymore...

I lost some of my important ties, beliefs, the anchorage... the assurance, where my home is...In fact, everything WAS! doubted during those last few months...I have no clue where do I belong now....where I want to stay, move, go, die and be reborn again...

I found and rediscovered wonderful people, friends who are grown up enough to teach me more about life in general ...Those, for whom I will keep on coming back..

I've speeded up my smoking, stopped eating chocolate and interrupted my yoga flow...rediscovered my passion for cemeteries and started to feel quite insecure among outnumbered retired people...
I found out there is not a single czech goodie I would have missed here and, yeah, I still don't like talking on the phone!

I am sure I dont want to spend more than 30 minutes a day paying attention to friends online anymore, I'd rather see them face to face once in a while..

At least for a moment, I started to believe again, that there is a possibility for man and woman to have a friendship...

This is the lesson I have been taught.

Yesterday I recalled this part of the book of Julian Barnes concerning the accumulation of losses in our life. I agree with him. You always loose what you stake plus the sum itself.. multiplication.

But there is still possibilty to gain....And that counts.

Yes,

I found a place...another one. So Unidentifiable to me that I can hardly write its name....

B E R L I N, I  D O N ' T   L O V E   Y O U   B U T   I   A L W A Y S   W I L L